Current Mood: contemplative
Let me preface this post by saying, this is not an invitation to my pity party. I’m not throwing one of those. Its merely an attempt to explain where I am right now.
I’ve been praying about something for quite some time now; praying for God’s will, His direction, His wisdom, the ability to discern His will over my own, asking for signs to confirm what I’m believing- everything I know to pray for. This was something that I knew would change my life for the rest of my life and wanted to be absolutely sure. Time and time again I’ve gotten reassurance that I was on the right track and making the right decisions. Repeatedly, I’ve seen provision in my life that solidified the answers I was getting. Over and over I’ve prayed, earnestly, making it clear that God’s will be done, and not my own. And then while studying my Bible, God would give me a verse that confirmed what I believe He was saying. To further confirm what I believed, many times, I’d get the exact same verse from a totally different source in the same day. Needless to say, I knew what I believed in the depths of my heart. As much as I believe the sun will come up tomorrow, I believed God was confirming what was in my heart as well.
And then the bottom dropped out.
I continued to pray, still receiving the same answers as before. Furthermore, God was telling me “Wait. Be Still. Hold fast. Trust me.” And so I’ve stood believing that God is bigger than any circumstances I face and can turn things around at any moment. Though things didn’t look good and seemed darker than they ever have, I’ve been trusting God and hanging on.
But over the past couple of weeks, the current circumstances have really made me start to question God and my ability to discern His voice. And I have to tell you, its been very disheartening and scary to me. I absolutely knew that I knew that I knew what God has been telling me. I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been in my life. But looking at everything I’ve really begun to question my relationship with God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning God. I’m questioning myself. Have I missed God somehow? If so, how? I’ve prayed and done everything I know to do to make sure I was in God’s will.
The other morning while getting ready for work, I realized that I had a Jentezen Franklin CD that I hadn’t yet listened to so I popped it in. He was preaching on the story of Baalam in Numbers. The message was that when God gives you a promise, He will not change His mind. God does not lie. And that when you get in the right place, and its God’s will, the provision for that promise will come.
God is not a man, so He does not lie.
He is not human, so He does not change his mind.
Has He ever spoken and failed to act?
Has He ever promised and not carried it through? ~Numbers 23:19
While I let that message soak in and was wondering still what God was trying to tell me, I didn’t over think it. Later that night, I went to the women’s Bible study at church. I hadn’t planned on going. Honestly, I didn’t even really want to go that night but I needed to kill some time before meeting a friend for dinner. And what was the Bible study about? NUMBERS 23- the exact same story and verses as what I had heard that same morning! She said to us “I know this message is for someone here tonight. What God has promised you cannot be stopped. Do not be weary because of what the circumstances look like in the natural.” I should also say that I’ve not been going to this church very long. I don’t know anyone in that Bible study and no one there knows the circumstances I’m dealing with. God never ceases to amaze me. I sat there shaking from head to toe, knowing that this was confirmation of what God had told me earlier in the day.
But my reaction wasn’t what I expected it to be. What if I don’t even WANT that promise anymore? And in my car as I left the church, I got really honest with God about it. There was a large part of me that was very frustrated… furious even. I don’t know that I was mad at God, but maybe some. Then I was mad at myself for feeling the way that I do. Angry because I’ve grown very weary. I don’t WANT to stand and wait and be still and hold fast anymore. I’ve been doing that for a long time and all I get from it is more and more hurt. And I feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m not sure I even WANT this “promise” anymore.
So I feel like I’m getting myself into a dangerous place. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m not reading my Bible and praying as much. I think its because I’m afraid of what God is going to tell me to do. I don’t want more of the same. I don’t want Him to tell me to “Be still” or “holdfast” anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to grow cold on God and allow my relationship with Him to slip. I feel stuck. I’m wrestling against my own will, and now against what I’ve been standing for and praying for all this time. And praying that God will change my mind and my heart one way or another.
Ironically (or maybe not so much) this was the daily devotional staring me in the face when I opened up my email this morning. Well played, God. Well played.