Current Mood: okay

Going through a divorce all those years ago was the toughest thing I’ve ever experienced but it also reshaped me into who I am today. It made me so much more confident and independent. I’ve really not been the same since.

I’m not a girl that’s tied down easily. I’ve always had a tendency to start pulling away if I felt like things were getting too serious. I start dating a guy, we start getting close, I start feeling smothered and push him away, and he gets hurt. I don’t mean for it to happen. I try to mentally prepare myself ahead of time so that it doesn’t go down that way, but well, it sometimes happens anyway. I hate that I do it because I’m sure I’ve missed out on some pretty great guys. A few years ago, I even had a guy end a 3 year relationship with me because I still wasn’t ready to take that next step. I just wasn’t ready and something about it just didn’t feel right.

I once read where my friend Stacy said that she had always hoped to find a husband that wouldn’t be home much. When I initially read that, I thought it was really strange, but the more I thought about it the more it made a lot of sense to me. Now, I actually think that might be the only way that I’d ever make it. Not because I want be sneaky or shady; I’m actually a very loyal girl. I simply need a certain amount of time to myself. Perhaps its the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing.. I dunno.

One of my guy friends at work said to me the other day that he feels sorry for me. I’m really not sure why, but I think it might be because I’m not with anyone right now and he thinks I’m lonely. Perhaps its because he knows that I’ve been in some bad relationships before; not anything abusive, I just wasn’t happy. Anyway, when he said that, my thought was, “I may not be in a relationship right now, but don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not lonely. I’m happier right now than I’ve been in years!”

I’ve never been a big believer in astrology. I’ve thought it was strangely coincidental when things lined up in my horoscope but I took it all with a grain of salt. Recently one of my besties started talking to me about astrology. She knew how skeptical I am, but she told me not to dismiss her before I listened. Intrigued I was, so I bought a book. And I’m here to tell you if there’s any shred of truth to any of that stuff, it might explain why I keep getting involved in these failing relationships. Seriously, I keep dating men who are my polar opposite! Tragic tragic stuff according to the stars.

So I’ve been reading this book and I find myself analyzing people around me now. I’ve also looked up some of the signs of the men I’ve dated in the past and the personality traits described under their signs are pretty much dead on. Actually, it describes me pretty well too. Knowing what I know now, I probably won’t immediately dismiss any man who might be born during a certain time of year but I can use this knowledge as a tool to better help me understand his psyche. I’m bound to deal with the relationship in a different way if I somewhat understand what makes him tick, right?

My mother and step-mom seem anxious for me to get married again. They are convinced I need a man. Why, I’m not sure. I do perfectly well on my own. I think its just the way their generation thinks. You graduate, find a man, get married, buy a house, have kids… blah blah. I’m sure they think my life is all out of whack because I don’t have all this. Its just not a big deal to me. Would I like to have someone to spend time with? Perhaps. Am I jonesing to fall in love and get married? Absolutely not. The thought is kinda scary to me.

My step-mom, being from China, is ALL ABOUT some Chinese astrology. She’s figured out that I’m a dragon and in Chinese astrology, dragons are most compatible with chickens. She’s firmly believes that if I surround myself with chickens, that I’ll find a chicken to complete me and all will be well with the world. She’s given me a small marble chicken that I am to carry in my purse and she left some little chicken figures at my apartment. Ha! Do I think the chickens are going to bring me a man? Definitely not. Do I care? Not at all. But I’ll keep her chickens…. I know if she comes over and they aren’t here, I’ll catch hell about it.