My blog used to be the place where I’d come to vent. I sorted things out here. This was a place I could write and think and talk things through with my friends. This was my happy place, or at least my way to work toward it.

Right now, the two biggest things that weigh heaviest on my heart and mind day in and day out, I can’t even discuss here. Why?! There’s a nark in my real life… a snitch… a tattletale… a blabbermouth… a squealer… you get the idea. I’m about 95% sure I know who it is AND that person knows about my blog.

You know what sucks? If I am correct in my suspicions, I believed this person to be a very close friend. And they completely threw me under the bus and put me in a really compromising situation recently. I still can’t believe it and I’m not sure why it was done. Jealousy, perhaps? I don’t know any other reason. There wasn’t a single thing for them to gain from it. Its not just me either. They’ve done similar things to other people who are supposedly close to them too. Nobody really knows why unless its in an effort to make themselves look better, but in reality its only isolated them from everyone else.

I guess if you’ve got haters, you must be doing something right, huh? Jealousy is a very ugly thing. Pathetic actually.

I’ve had to beef up security here and everywhere else online; Facebook, Twitter, etc. I’ve deleted posts, hidden stuff, blocked people and deleted accounts. I had more than 18,500 Tweets over the past few years, and even though my tweets are protected and the account is private, it was a necessity to delete every single one of them. (BTW, Twitwipe is excellent if you ever have the need to do that).

Anyway, I’ve got stuff I’m sorting through and dealing with. And there’s some really good stuff too. I’d like to share it all with you guys, but well, I just can’t. I want to write. I really really do! But I don’t want to just post a bunch of fodder over here. I want to really blog again… I want it back the way it used to be. I guess I could make it private or password protect everything, or move my domain to an undisclosed location, but I’ve “lived” here for years, and well, I just don’t want to move. **stomps feet**

This just sucks. It effin sucks.

The past few weeks, I’ve felt like I’m constantly going 100 mph in a revolving door. Most days seem the same. I get up and get ready for work, often running late because I’ve hit snooze a few too many times. When I get to work, we’ve got 10 or so people waiting who’ve been there for 30 minutes or longer already, and there are more pouring in the door. I immediately begin anticipating my lunch break, usually not because I’m hungry but because I’m already looking forward to getting out of there for an hour. All day long, we all go as fast and hard as we can, but rarely seeing the line getting any shorter. Its annoying and frustrating like a burning, irritating rash that won’t stop hurting and itching and everyone around wants to pour salt into your wound. If/when I finally get a lunch, I usually leave and come home, just to get away. I spend the entire hour dreading going back and knowing I’m probably not going to get to leave at the end of my shift. Because we are so short handed right now, I’ve been staying an hour, or two, or three beyond what I’m scheduled most days. The money is good so I can’t complain too much, but I am exhausted. And every night, not unlike tonight, I stay up way too late trying to wind down. I finally give in and force myself to try to get a few hours of sleep before starting it all over again the next day. Rinse, and repeat. Its a vicious cycle.

Most nights while trying to unwind, I sit here at my laptop hoping I can write something… hoping I can clear my mind some… but I can’t make my mind slow down enough to formulate a complete thought. Its constantly racing and going in 100 different directions all the time. I think I need to try to take a few days off to breathe, calm down, recollect my thoughts, and get a game plan in place for the next few months… maybe then I’ll be able to focus.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.
-Leo F. Buscaglia

Kris Allen and Tim McGraw both sing songs about how you should live like you’re dying. I suppose the ideas behind that philosophy is that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and do the things you’ve always wanted to do. You should always treat others the way you’d want to be treated. You should love deeply and act out of compassion and kindness… as if you’re always leaving a final impression. And you shouldn’t fear telling others how much they mean to you.

That’s a great outlook to have, but when it comes down to it, I can rarely muster up the courage to take some of the risks that are implied. Looking back at my life, there are many times I regret not doing something more often than I regret things that I’ve done. Logical and calculated and always in control… that’s me, probably too much for my own good sometimes most of the time. I have to know that I know that I know things are going to work out according to plan or I just won’t take the risk. It’s a tragic flaw.

I’ve been contemplating taking risks lately, and having courage, and going out on a limb, and not being afraid to let my ship leave the shore, and every other very cliché phrase you can think of. I am often my own worst enemy. I regret things I never finished. I regret moves I never made. And more than anything I regret things I never said but should have. I’m not saying I’m ready to “go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu”, but I really should give the concept more consideration; live like I’m dying. In all actuality, we are all dying. We wake up each morning, subconsciously thinking that tomorrow is a given. In reality, each day is one step closer to the end and we never know which day might be our last.

Like it was yesterday, I can remember watching Kevin Skinner’s audition performance on America’s Got Talent. He comes out dressed in one of those hideous baja jacket things and a ball cap. He tells the judges he was a chicken catcher and that he’s not real good at math. You can see by the way they look at him that in their minds he’s already going to fail. And then he sings.

By the end of the song I was sobbing. I was absolutely captivated and he was singing a song that would normally prompt me to change the radio station. Right then and there I knew that this man’s life was going to change for the better.

The country boy from Mayfield, Kentucky ended up winning America’s Got Talent that season and I’m sure that things have been much different for him since. Earlier today, CMT tweeted announcing Kevin’s new music video for “Like It’s the Last Goodbye”.

It warms my heart to see good things happen to good deserving people and this is no exception. I hope he goes far. I plan on buying his album and supporting him. A story like this goes to show you that you should never ever judge a book by its cover. Ever.

When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…
-Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

You know that whole “Gosh, I just met you but I think you’re pretty much amazing and this might actually go somewhere… I hope it goes somewhere” feeling that you get when you first meet someone… the butterflies… all that stuff… Yeah… Admittedly, I’ve not felt that way in a LONG time …. dare I say maybe even years. More often than not, I find that I am constantly underwhelmed.

It’s not that I don’t ever meet guys. I meet them all the time; at work, out shopping, at restaurants and bars, online, at church, and through other friends. I’m just never very impressed. Maybe he’s good looking but he’s arrogant in a really bad way. Or maybe he’s really sweet but something just isn’t there… I’m not attracted to him. If he has money and/or a good paying job, he flaunts it. Or he’s cute and sweet… but has the IQ of a raisin. Or he’s jonesing to get married and have 2.5 kids immediately. (uh.. HELL no!) Or as my luck usually has it, he’s already married and is just looking for a little fun.

I’m finding that the older I get, the more selective I become too, which may not be such a good thing because the selection is also narrowing. I’m just not willing to settle though. Not anymore. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. Over the years, I’ve put up with a lot of crap and well, let’s just say I’ve gotten my share of experience. While I’m not looking for someone to support me financially, I’m also not willing to take another broke man under my wing and help him pay his bills and child support. And I don’t want a man with a lot of drama and baggage. He needs to be mentally and emotionally stable; not still clinging to a previous relationship or fling. And I won’t try to force myself to be with someone I’m not physically attracted to just because he’s nice. Those never work out for me. I end up pushing him away. Furthermore, I will not settle for someone who isn’t intellectually stimulating. I need more to sustain me than simple conversations about soft drinks, 80′s hair metal bands, and NASCAR racing.

Its aggravating. I’m not one of those clingy girls that has to always have someone. As a matter of fact, I actually like a certain amount of time by myself. Sometimes though I think it’d be nice to have someone to hang out with; someone to do those couple things with. But good grief, aren’t there any guys left who are normal, non-crazy, intelligent, relatively attractive, fun-loving, unattached and SINGLE? *sigh* Nevertheless, if I can’t find anyone that fits the bill, then I’m perfectly content with being by myself.

I ran across this picture on Flickr the other day and it immediately made me smile so I thought I’d share. I liked it so much that I’m using it as my desktop background. Hope it brightens your day too.

This one is probably going to be random… Random is kinda how I’ve been feeling lately, I think. I actually don’t really quite know how to explain how I’ve been feeling. In some ways I feel like I’ve got so much going on but I’m not ever accomplishing anything. I know I’m not where I belong… not doing what I am meant to do… In some ways, some of the people I spend my time with seem right… like they fit. Other people, they seem all wrong. It forces me to question where I am even more. I’m not necessarily unhappy, but I can’t say that I’m happy really either. Most of the time, I just don’t feel anything.

I think perhaps I need to move and maybe it’ll make some things better. At the same time, it scares me that it might make other things worse too. I’ve planned on moving. I’ve been trying to prepare for it. The timing seems right, kinda. I need a job change for sure; not necessarily the company because its a great company, but the job…definitely. Things are getting ugly where I am. Maybe the change of scenery and the challenge of a new place is what I need.

There are things going on in my heart and on a daily basis I feel as if its being ripped out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly. I tried to get some of it out a little bit in that last post but just barely scratched the surface. I need to get away from it, but its going to take a major overhaul in my life to push it aside. I have a hard time seeing past any of that to even notice or care a lot about what’s going on elsewhere in my life. And I hate it. Few people know about it and I just can’t talk about it. In many ways I want it gone, but at the same time can’t find the will power to let it all go either.

On the surface, my life looks good to a lot of people. I wear a cheerful smile. I have a good paying job. I have a nice place to live. I have great friends and spend a lot of time hanging out with them, having fun, and doing what I want to do. My life isn’t boring at all. And even though I’m constantly surrounded by people I love, I often feel very lonely.

And when I move, will I lose the friends I have now? I know I’ll lose some. People come and go. I’ll meet new ones, but the friendships and bonds I have with people now are probably the strongest I’ve ever had. I really don’t want to lose these people.

I’ve not been sleeping well lately. And when I do sleep, I sometimes have crazy dreams. Not just weird colors and my falling off a building or something. They are dreams involving people I know and incidents and places and scenarios that should never occur… I just don’t know. I’ve heard before that dreams are a way the mind dumps out random thoughts and stuff. Maybe that’s what’s going on. Hell, sometimes I think I’m just losing my mind. Maybe I need a shrink.

I just feel lost…stuck, like in a small box with no air… frustrated… confused… a little scared… and alone. And I’m really not sure which way to turn or what to do about any of it. I can’t complain much. My life really isn’t too bad. I think I just need some direction. Perhaps I’m being a little melodramatic. I hope I am anyway. More than anything I probably just need a breath of fresh air and a little traction for these constantly spinning wheels.

Up until a few weeks ago, I had never seen a single episode of Sex and the City. Yup, not a single one. I always thought it was something I just wouldn’t care for. I’m not sure why, but after watching just the first few episodes, I was absolutely hooked.

I’m only through Season 3 right now, but I’ve decided this has got to be the most “real” show ever! And it is SO me! Some of the conversations that these women have, I can totally see my friends and I having similar conversations and actually being in these situations. Gah, I can’t believe I missed out on this gloriousness all these years. And I know all of you are thinking, “well, yeah.. duh”.

The only reason I decided I wanted to watch is because a good guy friend once told me that I am like Samantha. Not having any idea what that meant, I wanted to find out. And well…. Sure, I may not let my heart get all mushy and wrapped up in men very often, but I am here to tell you that I am NOT like Samantha. And I have since told my friend that I absolutely resent that statement and that he has a very misconstrued perception of who I am. To that, he laughed and said, “Oh yeah, you’re SO Samantha. Besides… she’s the hottest one!” Whatever.

The truth is, I see a little bit of each of these women in myself. Samantha, she’s confident and aggressive. She makes it known what she wants and goes after it, but she’s not going to kiss anybody’s ass to get it either. In that aspect, I’m like Samantha. That other big thing about her being a total ho-bag, yeah…. not so much though. And Charlotte… Poor thing. She has a fairytale idea of what love and relationships should be. She’s sweet, optimistic, and classy… I can be those things, but unlike Charlotte, I am not looking to get married at the drop of a hat. Miranda, may be the one I relate to least, mainly because she seems butchy to me and somewhat of a feminist. That’s never really been my thing. But she’s also calculated, tough, and guarded. I totally get all of that. Carrie is the one I most identify with though. She’s smart and independent but has her insecurities too. She’s got a soft romantic side, but also that “bad girl” side too. And while she’d like to find a good man, she’s not going to settle either. She probably over-thinks things and then writes about them. Yep, I’m Carrie Bradshaw.

I was supposed to go to Nashville this weekend and I took Friday through Monday off work just for the occasion. Things just didn’t pan out though and I didn’t get to go. At first I was really bummed out that my planned weekend-o-fun wasn’t going to happen, but I now realize the down time was just what I needed.

Not only have I gotten an opportunity to rest and catch up on sleep, but I’ve also had time to think about a few things and clear my head a bit. See, the other day at work, I kinda got a little bent out of shape. Perhaps overwhelmed is a better word. Hell, we’ll call it a mini-breakdown. I left for lunch and just drove around and cried. CRIED. Me! …. I don’t cry, folks.

I feel like I have so much to accomplish in the next few months. Actually I have more than a few months…like 8 or 9 months probably before I move. That should be plenty of time. But then the gears in my head started turning…

What if something happens and I need to move sooner?
What about the lease I have now?
Will I have enough money to make this happen? I have to…
Will I be able to find a place to live?
I probably need to get rid of some of my junk before I move… downsize
What area is it that I need to live in to ensure I’m close enough to work?
Will I actually get a job transfer?
Which location will it be? I can’t look for a place until I know…
Am I going to have to find a room mate? {I shudder at the thought}
What about school? I plan on going back and need to make sure I live close enough to that too…

I tend to get a little frantic when there are big things happening and I don’t have a solid game plan. Right now, I just don’t. And recently we’ve learned of some big changes at work that are rolling out in a couple of weeks. At this point, I’m not sure how these changes are going to affect my job. That’s one of the wonderful things about my job… they love to keep you in the dark for as long as they can before they throw something huge at you. Its fabulous!

When I freaked out the other day, I was thinking that somehow these changes may force me to act much faster than I anticpated. It still may… I don’t know. The panic set in because of my lack of a game plan. The timing has to be perfect for everything to go smoothly. The past few days I’ve had a chance to think things through, regroup, refocus and calm down about it. Worst case scenario is I go with the flow with the new changes and ride it out until closer time for my lease to be up. In the meantime, I build my game plan. This is what I have to do anyway… this is the logical process. I just had to get my head back on straight. I have other bigger opportunities in the works too so I really need to chill out and know everything is going to be OK.

As for a couple of other smaller things I’ve had on my mind, I’ve decided there’s a song lyric that sums it up best:

♪ ♫ You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run. ♪ ♫