Current Mood: introspective

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to one of my dearest friends about our ages and how some things have changed and yet some have stayed the same. Though she and I live hundreds of miles apart and don’t see each other very often these days, we can always pick up right where we left off before and never miss a beat. Its awesome. Anyway, we were talking about how just in the past couple of years we’re starting to now figure out who we are. And you know what I’ve decided? At 33, I’m finally starting to get an idea of who I really am, and for the most part, I like me.

I’m hard… but really not as tough as people may think I am. Now, don’t get me twisted; I won’t put up with any bullshit, but for the most part, my bitchiness is merely self preservation. I’m actually pretty soft when I want to be. {Hence “Concrete Angel“} I can be very sweet, but sometimes I’m just not. However, I am extremely loyal and often too forgiving. I’m vibrant and very passionate; and when I love, I love with all my heart. On the other hand, when I dislike something or someone, you’ll easily know that too.

I’m determined and will pursue the things that I want if I want them badly enough. A good friend once said to me, “You make it known what you want and go after it, but you’re not about to kiss anybody’s ass to get it either.” Yeah, he has an uncanny way of hitting the nail on the head when it comes to reading me. And I hate that. I don’t like to be so easily read…

I’m classy when I need to be, but completely and utterly crass at other times. I’m confident, but I have my hangups and insecurities too. Some days I think I’m beautiful. Other days, I can’t stand what I see in the mirror. I’m bold, even though it often scares me to be. Sometimes I over-play my hand, and every once in a while I feel intimidated. I am often blunt and perhaps too honest at times, and I respect others who also have those same qualities. I’m witty, but often struggle with creativity. I’m intelligent, but willingly admit there are a great deal of things that I know nothing about. And sometimes, I get aggravated when I don’t know or don’t understand things.

If its possible to be both an optimist and a realist, I am exactly that. I like to see the good in people and find silver linings in situations, but somehow at the same time I’m very logical, meticulous, rational, and calculated. I often make lists of pros and cons before making decisions. However, I enjoy the rush of spontaneity when it involves matters of little importance.

I’m pretty independent and enjoy having quite a bit of time to myself, but sometimes I feel a little lonely and think it might be nice to have someone else around to snuggle on the couch with… But, I’m bitter and jaded and think most men are selfish idiots. I always swear I’ll never get married again, but then a nice guy comes along and he seems like he might be a good catch. Then I think, well, maybe I’d reconsider if he plays his cards right. After all, I’m selfish sometimes too…

I’m a Christian and have some deep rooted faith, but will admit that I don’t always practice what I know to be right. I realize that I fall on my face every single day though, and I am thankful for a forgiving and merciful Savior.

So there you have it; me in a nutshell. I really don’t think I’m that much different than anyone else though. My past life experiences have molded me into who I am today. We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves, but in general I really like who I’ve become. Overall, I believe I’m a decent person with a fabulous life filled with wonderful people. I’m happy being me!

Current Mood: jolly

I may have some pretty high demands but I can dream, right? Besides, Santa’s a pretty cool dude and I’m sure he knows I’ve been a good girl this year. With that being said, here are a few things I hope the big guy leaves under my tree on Christmas Eve.

1. Nintendo Wii – I don’t play video games much but some of the ones on the Wii are so darn cute! When I go to my brother’s house and play with my nephew, he makes fun of how bad I am. I’m getting made fun of by a 3 year old. Seriously, I’ve gotta practice!

2. Wii Fit – Aside from the gaming, this is what I really need the Wii for. Looks like fun too!

3. iPod touch – Why not have one more device with music, video, and the internet on it? Plus, I’m reluctantly trying to get acclimated to this whole touch screen revolution. I guess I’ve resisted long enough.

4. Blackberry Storm 2 – Along with my whole anti-touch screen attitude, I’ve also resisted a touch screen phone. I’ll admit I really like this one though. I may hate myself later when I’m trying to drive down the road at midnight and knock out a quick text message. It’s a well known fact that I don’t drive and text well at all. heh!

5. This shirt – It pretty much rocks and would go great with my red heels. I must have it. I’m pretty sure that I’ll be too impatient to wait and see if Santa’s going to bring it though. It’ll probably be an early birthday present to myself instead.

6. Breathe Romance by Bath & Body Works – This is my absolute favorite fragrance of all time … and it has been discontinued for a while. Its kinda difficult to find so I stock up when I come across some.

Gift Certificates to the following places:

7. Victoria’s Secret – they’ll be having their Semi-Annual sale right after Christmas. Its perfect timing!

8. Buckle – Its my latest obsession… and its definitely not a cheap one.

9. Sephora – DuWop, Buxom, Urban Decay, Philosophy… a girl has needs!

10. New York & Co – I buy A LOT of my clothes here, especially for work. A gift certificate here would be put to good use for sure.

11. Concert Tickets – I’m always up for a good show! I’ve wanted to see Bon Jovi for years and they’re going to be in Nashville in April. That’d be THE awesome! OR, I’d love to see Kings of Leon… they’re really rockin my socks lately. Ooh ooh… or Jason Aldean! Love him! See, really… I’m not picky.

12. Guitar lessons – I’ve had a guitar now for about 3 years and have no idea how to play anything on it. I’m pretty sure I don’t even know how to hold it correctly. Such a waste.

13. a Vacation – Somewhere warm and tropical is highly preferable…. a trip back to Puerto Vallarta would be nice… Cancun, Cozumel, the Bahamas, Playa del Carmen, Jamaica, Aruba, a cruise…. beggars can’t be choosers, right?!

Current Mood: stoked

With 2009 just hours away, I’ve made my list of resolutions for the new year.

1. Lose weight- I say this every year, but seriously, I’ve got to do something! I’ve really let this craziness go on for far too long. I feel like crap all the time and look worse. Besides, I can’t go to Me-he-co in April looking like this. They’ll think there’s a beached whale sunbathing.

2. Get back into church on a regular basis. This is a huge part of my life that has been missing for quite some time. I work so much… almost every single Sunday. Despite my begging and pleading, they won’t give us a split shift on Sunday. It is so frustrating. I’ve kinda been unsure about where to go too. The church I belong to has changed so much and I don’t really feel like I “fit” there anymore. I used to do a lot of stuff with the youth group, but all those kids are grown and gone now. I don’t really know anybody there who is my age now. And on top of all that, the pastor has left and I don’t believe they’ve found a new one yet. So, I guess I’m kinda looking for a church.

3. Devote more time to me- doing my toenails, getting manicures, my hair done and such. I let those things go too often.

4. Sleep and rest more. Getting 8 hours of sleep each night lessens your chance of having heart disease. I rarely get 8 hours now. Yet again, I need to spend more time focusing on me.

5. Pay off some debt. I don’t have a lot, but I don’t want to have any. As of November, my car was paid for. I’ve also paid off some credit cards in 2008. I’m gonna try to knock out most of the odds and ends this year and I’ll be almost completely debt free if not entirely.

6. Read more. I have stacks of books that are waiting to be read and there are hundreds of books I know I’d enjoy, I just never make the time to read. I’ll have to cut out some internet time to make this one happen though. I’m sure I can find a happy balance.

7. Be a better friend. I think I do okay with this most of the time, but I don’t always remember to make time for my friends, remember birthdays, check on people I’ve not heard from in a while. I really could do better… I’m gonna try to work on that.

8. Spend more time with my family. My family lives about 45 mins away and I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like. My nephew turns 4 in a couple of weeks and I know I’m missing out on so very much.

9. Be more organized. I really need to go through my closets and drawers and clean out stuff I’m not using. I tend to be a pack rat sometimes.

10. Keep my career options open. I have a good paying job now but most of you know the headaches that go along with it. And I see absolutely no opportunity for advancement. I feel bored, burnt out, and just stuck. I’ve not been really looking for anything else, but if I stumble across something decent, I’m going to give it a good consideration. Right now, my job takes up so much of my life and my schedule is never consistent. And we have to ask for days off over a month in advance. I really can’t plan anything. My job is the main reason I’m having to make the majority of my other resolutions. In general, it makes me very unhappy. I’d take a job making less money if it meant I’d have a normal routine again and less stress. Surely my sanity is worth something.

I’m kinda stoked about the new year and all the things it will bring. 2009 is gonna ROCK! Happy New Year!!!