Current Mood: aggravated

My blog used to be the place where I’d come to vent. I sorted things out here. This was a place I could write and think and talk things through with my friends. This was my happy place, or at least my way to work toward it.

Right now, the two biggest things that weigh heaviest on my heart and mind day in and day out, I can’t even discuss here. Why?! There’s a nark in my real life… a snitch… a tattletale… a blabbermouth… a squealer… you get the idea. I’m about 95% sure I know who it is AND that person knows about my blog.

You know what sucks? If I am correct in my suspicions, I believed this person to be a very close friend. And they completely threw me under the bus and put me in a really compromising situation recently. I still can’t believe it and I’m not sure why it was done. Jealousy, perhaps? I don’t know any other reason. There wasn’t a single thing for them to gain from it. Its not just me either. They’ve done similar things to other people who are supposedly close to them too. Nobody really knows why unless its in an effort to make themselves look better, but in reality its only isolated them from everyone else.

I guess if you’ve got haters, you must be doing something right, huh? Jealousy is a very ugly thing. Pathetic actually.

I’ve had to beef up security here and everywhere else online; Facebook, Twitter, etc. I’ve deleted posts, hidden stuff, blocked people and deleted accounts. I had more than 18,500 Tweets over the past few years, and even though my tweets are protected and the account is private, it was a necessity to delete every single one of them. (BTW, Twitwipe is excellent if you ever have the need to do that).

Anyway, I’ve got stuff I’m sorting through and dealing with. And there’s some really good stuff too. I’d like to share it all with you guys, but well, I just can’t. I want to write. I really really do! But I don’t want to just post a bunch of fodder over here. I want to really blog again… I want it back the way it used to be. I guess I could make it private or password protect everything, or move my domain to an undisclosed location, but I’ve “lived” here for years, and well, I just don’t want to move. **stomps feet**

This just sucks. It effin sucks.

Current Mood: overwhelmed

The past few weeks, I’ve felt like I’m constantly going 100 mph in a revolving door. Most days seem the same. I get up and get ready for work, often running late because I’ve hit snooze a few too many times. When I get to work, we’ve got 10 or so people waiting who’ve been there for 30 minutes or longer already, and there are more pouring in the door. I immediately begin anticipating my lunch break, usually not because I’m hungry but because I’m already looking forward to getting out of there for an hour. All day long, we all go as fast and hard as we can, but rarely seeing the line getting any shorter. Its annoying and frustrating like a burning, irritating rash that won’t stop hurting and itching and everyone around wants to pour salt into your wound. If/when I finally get a lunch, I usually leave and come home, just to get away. I spend the entire hour dreading going back and knowing I’m probably not going to get to leave at the end of my shift. Because we are so short handed right now, I’ve been staying an hour, or two, or three beyond what I’m scheduled most days. The money is good so I can’t complain too much, but I am exhausted. And every night, not unlike tonight, I stay up way too late trying to wind down. I finally give in and force myself to try to get a few hours of sleep before starting it all over again the next day. Rinse, and repeat. Its a vicious cycle.

Most nights while trying to unwind, I sit here at my laptop hoping I can write something… hoping I can clear my mind some… but I can’t make my mind slow down enough to formulate a complete thought. Its constantly racing and going in 100 different directions all the time. I think I need to try to take a few days off to breathe, calm down, recollect my thoughts, and get a game plan in place for the next few months… maybe then I’ll be able to focus.

Current Mood: introspective

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.
-Leo F. Buscaglia

Kris Allen and Tim McGraw both sing songs about how you should live like you’re dying. I suppose the ideas behind that philosophy is that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and do the things you’ve always wanted to do. You should always treat others the way you’d want to be treated. You should love deeply and act out of compassion and kindness… as if you’re always leaving a final impression. And you shouldn’t fear telling others how much they mean to you.

That’s a great outlook to have, but when it comes down to it, I can rarely muster up the courage to take some of the risks that are implied. Looking back at my life, there are many times I regret not doing something more often than I regret things that I’ve done. Logical and calculated and always in control… that’s me, probably too much for my own good sometimes most of the time. I have to know that I know that I know things are going to work out according to plan or I just won’t take the risk. It’s a tragic flaw.

I’ve been contemplating taking risks lately, and having courage, and going out on a limb, and not being afraid to let my ship leave the shore, and every other very cliché phrase you can think of. I am often my own worst enemy. I regret things I never finished. I regret moves I never made. And more than anything I regret things I never said but should have. I’m not saying I’m ready to “go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu”, but I really should give the concept more consideration; live like I’m dying. In all actuality, we are all dying. We wake up each morning, subconsciously thinking that tomorrow is a given. In reality, each day is one step closer to the end and we never know which day might be our last.