Current Mood: contemplative

Always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed. -Peter Wastholm

What a cynical and pessimistic attitude to have. I don’t like it at all. Nevertheless, that statement is very true. I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations lately and have determined that they are completely unfair. They are unfair to the person you have the expectation of because it sets them up for failure. They are unfair to the person who holds the expectation because it sets them up for disappointment.

Having an expectation of someone is merely a prediction that someone has constructed in their own mind of how a person is supposed to act or how they will or should respond in certain situations. It is a formulated guess or an assumption… and we all know what we get when we assume things. So it could perhaps be said that having expectations of people makes about as much sense as depending on a Farmer’s Almanac or on one of the Nostradamus predictions, right? Just because a person’s previous demeanor and/or behaviors lead you to believe that they may feel or act a certain way mean that they’ll continue on that same path. It doesn’t mean that they won’t change their mind. It doesn’t mean that they can’t or won’t flip a switch and turn into a total douche bag over night. It also doesn’t mean that someone who has previously lead you to believe that they are a total jackass can’t change for the better. You just never know.

I’ll admit that I often have some pretty high expectations of people, and more often than not, I find myself disappointed. Perhaps my expectations are simply too high… unrealistic even. Perhaps my imagination runs wild and I bring it all upon myself, the disappointment that is. See, I start planning things in my head… how I think they’re going to happen… how I think people are going to behave and react… and when it doesn’t happen that way, I feel let down.

I tend to take everything literally. EVERYTHING. If you tell me something, I assume that you mean it and that’s the way it is. Its not that I’m naive and think that all people are honest, its simply that my thought process rarely considers that a person may just be blowing smoke, joking, or straight up lying. It’s a downfall of mine and I realize it. I consciously have to work at keeping this it check.

A very large part of the way I think is very logical and practical and calculated… yep, its in my sign. Before I make decisions, I analyze everything and weigh options carefully. I even make lists of pros and cons sometimes. Ambiguity makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe I get too wrapped up in the planning and fail to live in the moment. This is where my expectations come from. I’m always thinking ahead… always. Capricorns are like that. We plan and calculate risks and well, its just who I am. I don’t easily deal with letting cards fall where they may. I need a game plan.

What I’m trying to say is that I need to stop expecting things out of people. Its simply not fair. Things are not always going to necessarily be what I’ve imagined they might be or what I want them to be or not be. I’m not always going to be able to plan ahead. And it doesn’t help matters to get frustrated when people and things don’t coincide with my fabricated expectations. You can’t predict people. Everyone has their own attitudes and assumptions and free will. As a matter of fact, I’m sure that right now someone else has an expectation of me that I’m not living up to.

Current Mood: introspective

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to one of my dearest friends about our ages and how some things have changed and yet some have stayed the same. Though she and I live hundreds of miles apart and don’t see each other very often these days, we can always pick up right where we left off before and never miss a beat. Its awesome. Anyway, we were talking about how just in the past couple of years we’re starting to now figure out who we are. And you know what I’ve decided? At 33, I’m finally starting to get an idea of who I really am, and for the most part, I like me.

I’m hard… but really not as tough as people may think I am. Now, don’t get me twisted; I won’t put up with any bullshit, but for the most part, my bitchiness is merely self preservation. I’m actually pretty soft when I want to be. {Hence “Concrete Angel“} I can be very sweet, but sometimes I’m just not. However, I am extremely loyal and often too forgiving. I’m vibrant and very passionate; and when I love, I love with all my heart. On the other hand, when I dislike something or someone, you’ll easily know that too.

I’m determined and will pursue the things that I want if I want them badly enough. A good friend once said to me, “You make it known what you want and go after it, but you’re not about to kiss anybody’s ass to get it either.” Yeah, he has an uncanny way of hitting the nail on the head when it comes to reading me. And I hate that. I don’t like to be so easily read…

I’m classy when I need to be, but completely and utterly crass at other times. I’m confident, but I have my hangups and insecurities too. Some days I think I’m beautiful. Other days, I can’t stand what I see in the mirror. I’m bold, even though it often scares me to be. Sometimes I over-play my hand, and every once in a while I feel intimidated. I am often blunt and perhaps too honest at times, and I respect others who also have those same qualities. I’m witty, but often struggle with creativity. I’m intelligent, but willingly admit there are a great deal of things that I know nothing about. And sometimes, I get aggravated when I don’t know or don’t understand things.

If its possible to be both an optimist and a realist, I am exactly that. I like to see the good in people and find silver linings in situations, but somehow at the same time I’m very logical, meticulous, rational, and calculated. I often make lists of pros and cons before making decisions. However, I enjoy the rush of spontaneity when it involves matters of little importance.

I’m pretty independent and enjoy having quite a bit of time to myself, but sometimes I feel a little lonely and think it might be nice to have someone else around to snuggle on the couch with… But, I’m bitter and jaded and think most men are selfish idiots. I always swear I’ll never get married again, but then a nice guy comes along and he seems like he might be a good catch. Then I think, well, maybe I’d reconsider if he plays his cards right. After all, I’m selfish sometimes too…

I’m a Christian and have some deep rooted faith, but will admit that I don’t always practice what I know to be right. I realize that I fall on my face every single day though, and I am thankful for a forgiving and merciful Savior.

So there you have it; me in a nutshell. I really don’t think I’m that much different than anyone else though. My past life experiences have molded me into who I am today. We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves, but in general I really like who I’ve become. Overall, I believe I’m a decent person with a fabulous life filled with wonderful people. I’m happy being me!

Current Mood: encouraged

I really can’t hate on 2009. It was an awesome year for me! It started out bleak and I felt really stuck for the first couple of months, but March came along and I found my “out” of a bad situation. That set the ball in motion. I’ve gone through quite a bit of self-realization and improvement this past year. I dropped some weight and feel much better physically and emotionally. Family life has been good. Sally finally made it to the US and it has been such a joy to have her here. I’ve never seen my Dad so happy. This past spring, I got to go to Mexico with one of my besties and that was incredible! I went to Florida with my family during the summer. We’ve not had a family vacation in at least 15 years and it was fabulous. This year, I’ve seen a lot of rockin’ concerts, have developed amazing friendships with some wonderful people, and have really started to find myself in the process. Overall, its been an incredible year for me.

With all that being said, I have a strong feeling that 2010 is going to be even better! Day after day, my horoscope has been telling me that big things were coming my way and I feel it. Just the other day, it said

Find what makes you most happy and set about trying to make arrangements to make it happen in 2010. You will have a lot to celebrate soon!

Now I know very well to take that stuff with a grain of salt, but nevertheless, the extra encouragement is icing on the cake with the way I’ve been feeling about the upcoming year. One of my life-long best friends FINALLY has plans to move back to Tennessee in a few months after being gone for like 10 years. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. Other friends and I have lots of fun things planned…. concerts, sporting events, trips, etc. All of that is going to pretty much rock! …I’ve got my mind set on dropping some more weight…. There’s a business venture I’m working with my Dad on, and I plan on hoarding money like nobody’s business. See, there’s something I’ve wanted to do several years, and now more than ever I feel like things are finally falling into place to make it possible. If I plan and research and save and play my cards right, hopefully that’ll come to fruition in the fall.

This new year promises to be filled with lots of fun, many positive changes, and a lot of personal growth. So, Hello 2010! Welcome! I have some mighty big plans for you!