Current Mood: introspective

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.
-Leo F. Buscaglia

Kris Allen and Tim McGraw both sing songs about how you should live like you’re dying. I suppose the ideas behind that philosophy is that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and do the things you’ve always wanted to do. You should always treat others the way you’d want to be treated. You should love deeply and act out of compassion and kindness… as if you’re always leaving a final impression. And you shouldn’t fear telling others how much they mean to you.

That’s a great outlook to have, but when it comes down to it, I can rarely muster up the courage to take some of the risks that are implied. Looking back at my life, there are many times I regret not doing something more often than I regret things that I’ve done. Logical and calculated and always in control… that’s me, probably too much for my own good sometimes most of the time. I have to know that I know that I know things are going to work out according to plan or I just won’t take the risk. It’s a tragic flaw.

I’ve been contemplating taking risks lately, and having courage, and going out on a limb, and not being afraid to let my ship leave the shore, and every other very cliché phrase you can think of. I am often my own worst enemy. I regret things I never finished. I regret moves I never made. And more than anything I regret things I never said but should have. I’m not saying I’m ready to “go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu”, but I really should give the concept more consideration; live like I’m dying. In all actuality, we are all dying. We wake up each morning, subconsciously thinking that tomorrow is a given. In reality, each day is one step closer to the end and we never know which day might be our last.

Current Mood: happy

Like it was yesterday, I can remember watching Kevin Skinner’s audition performance on America’s Got Talent. He comes out dressed in one of those hideous baja jacket things and a ball cap. He tells the judges he was a chicken catcher and that he’s not real good at math. You can see by the way they look at him that in their minds he’s already going to fail. And then he sings.

By the end of the song I was sobbing. I was absolutely captivated and he was singing a song that would normally prompt me to change the radio station. Right then and there I knew that this man’s life was going to change for the better.

The country boy from Mayfield, Kentucky ended up winning America’s Got Talent that season and I’m sure that things have been much different for him since. Earlier today, CMT tweeted announcing Kevin’s new music video for “Like It’s the Last Goodbye”.

It warms my heart to see good things happen to good deserving people and this is no exception. I hope he goes far. I plan on buying his album and supporting him. A story like this goes to show you that you should never ever judge a book by its cover. Ever.

Current Mood: assertive

When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…
-Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

You know that whole “Gosh, I just met you but I think you’re pretty much amazing and this might actually go somewhere… I hope it goes somewhere” feeling that you get when you first meet someone… the butterflies… all that stuff… Yeah… Admittedly, I’ve not felt that way in a LONG time …. dare I say maybe even years. More often than not, I find that I am constantly underwhelmed.

It’s not that I don’t ever meet guys. I meet them all the time; at work, out shopping, at restaurants and bars, online, at church, and through other friends. I’m just never very impressed. Maybe he’s good looking but he’s arrogant in a really bad way. Or maybe he’s really sweet but something just isn’t there… I’m not attracted to him. If he has money and/or a good paying job, he flaunts it. Or he’s cute and sweet… but has the IQ of a raisin. Or he’s jonesing to get married and have 2.5 kids immediately. (uh.. HELL no!) Or as my luck usually has it, he’s already married and is just looking for a little fun.

I’m finding that the older I get, the more selective I become too, which may not be such a good thing because the selection is also narrowing. I’m just not willing to settle though. Not anymore. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. Over the years, I’ve put up with a lot of crap and well, let’s just say I’ve gotten my share of experience. While I’m not looking for someone to support me financially, I’m also not willing to take another broke man under my wing and help him pay his bills and child support. And I don’t want a man with a lot of drama and baggage. He needs to be mentally and emotionally stable; not still clinging to a previous relationship or fling. And I won’t try to force myself to be with someone I’m not physically attracted to just because he’s nice. Those never work out for me. I end up pushing him away. Furthermore, I will not settle for someone who isn’t intellectually stimulating. I need more to sustain me than simple conversations about soft drinks, 80′s hair metal bands, and NASCAR racing.

Its aggravating. I’m not one of those clingy girls that has to always have someone. As a matter of fact, I actually like a certain amount of time by myself. Sometimes though I think it’d be nice to have someone to hang out with; someone to do those couple things with. But good grief, aren’t there any guys left who are normal, non-crazy, intelligent, relatively attractive, fun-loving, unattached and SINGLE? *sigh* Nevertheless, if I can’t find anyone that fits the bill, then I’m perfectly content with being by myself.