Current Mood: inspired

About a year ago, and very much so on a whim, I began a journey that would change my life in a huge way. While getting my toes done one day, I was talking to my good friend and nail technician, Missy. She casually asked me if I had ever read The Secret. I didn’t know anything about it other than Oprah had endorsed and promoted it. For that very reason, I had previously written the book off before even considering it. I’m not a big fan of Oprah and think she’s quite the nut-job. I know I’ll probably get hateful emails and comments because of that, but she started her own religion ya’ll… Oh, but I digress.

Anyway. Missy told me that I really needed to read this book and that it would change my life. Still very skeptical but knowing I didn’t have anything to lose, I downloaded it on my iPad that night. I stayed up most of the night reading it and finished the next day. Basically, the concept is if you change your thinking and the words that you speak, you’ll change your life. Whatever energy you put out into the universe is what you’ll get back. By nature, I’m a pretty optimistic person and can get on board with that kind of thinking. I made a decision that going forward I would only dwell on positive things. I also started to really analyze this concept from a Christian perspective (faith vs fear).

In the same time frame, I began listening to people like Joel Osteen. I really fell in love with his messages of encouragement. For the first time in my life, I began to see God in a different light. No longer did I view Him as a strict condemning God who was watching and waiting for me to mess up. I’ve come to realize that God really does love me. He really does have a good plan for my life and wants to bless me abundantly, and either I believe God and have faith in what He promised in His word, or I don’t. If I believe that God will bless me, then He can and will. If I don’t believe that God can or will bless me, then it probably isn’t going to happen. I’ve also come to know that if you dwell on and speak negative things about your life it breeds more negativity and opens up a window of opportunity for the enemy to infiltrate your life. If you believe that good things are coming your way and thank God in advance for them, you’ll begin to see those things come to pass.

I know that all this is a little far-fetched for some but I’m telling you from experience that this does work. You can change the course of your entire day, week, and life simply by the thoughts you think, the attitude you have, and the words you speak. You can and will either prophecy negativity or positivity over your life. Give it a try. Read the book. It may actually change your life too.

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Current Mood: encouraged

I’m in a good place right now. While I’m not exactly where I want to be yet, physically I’m in better shape than I’ve been in years. Spiritually, God has drawn me to Him and is making me stronger every day. Emotionally, I’m finally getting my head on straight again and thinking clearly. I’ve come to the realization that its best if I pick myself up by my bootstraps and rebuild a new life. Really, I have no other choice. And I know that God will guide me and provide every step of the way.

It’s scary though. I’m starting completely over. Just a year ago, I had a 1,300 square foot apartment, a considerable savings account, and was able to help two of my friends and their families through some rough times. What a difference a year makes. Because I wasn’t going to need any of my furniture, kitchen appliances, washer & dryer… I gave away almost everything I owned except my clothes and shoes. All of my savings have been spent. On top of that, I have a job making less than half of what I made a year ago. It makes me nervous ya’ll! But I realize that my employer isn’t my source, God is. And God has never failed me and will never leave me.

I’m saving up money and have started looking online at apartments, duplexes, and houses to rent and I got excited about it. Excited about the new life that God is going to give me. Excited that I’m going to get new furniture and dishes and decorations. Its a fresh start. Sure, it’ll take a while for me to rebuild and it won’t be easy, but everything is going to be ok! God has me in the palm of His hand!

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Current Mood: contemplative

Let me preface this post by saying, this is not an invitation to my pity party. I’m not throwing one of those. Its merely an attempt to explain where I am right now.

I’ve been praying about something for quite some time now; praying for God’s will, His direction, His wisdom, the ability to discern His will over my own, asking for signs to confirm what I’m believing- everything I know to pray for. This was something that I knew would change my life for the rest of my life and wanted to be absolutely sure. Time and time again I’ve gotten reassurance that I was on the right track and making the right decisions. Repeatedly, I’ve seen provision in my life that solidified the answers I was getting. Over and over I’ve prayed, earnestly, making it clear that God’s will be done, and not my own. And then while studying my Bible, God would give me a verse that confirmed what I believe He was saying. To further confirm what I believed, many times, I’d get the exact same verse from a totally different source in the same day. Needless to say, I knew what I believed in the depths of my heart. As much as I believe the sun will come up tomorrow, I believed God was confirming what was in my heart as well.

And then the bottom dropped out.

I continued to pray, still receiving the same answers as before. Furthermore, God was telling me “Wait. Be Still. Hold fast. Trust me.” And so I’ve stood believing that God is bigger than any circumstances I face and can turn things around at any moment. Though things didn’t look good and seemed darker than they ever have, I’ve been trusting God and hanging on.

But over the past couple of weeks, the current circumstances have really made me start to question God and my ability to discern His voice. And I have to tell you, its been very disheartening and scary to me. I absolutely knew that I knew that I knew what God has been telling me. I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been in my life. But looking at everything I’ve really begun to question my relationship with God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning God. I’m questioning myself. Have I missed God somehow? If so, how? I’ve prayed and done everything I know to do to make sure I was in God’s will.

The other morning while getting ready for work, I realized that I had a Jentezen Franklin CD that I hadn’t yet listened to so I popped it in. He was preaching on the story of Baalam in Numbers. The message was that when God gives you a promise, He will not change His mind. God does not lie. And that when you get in the right place, and its God’s will, the provision for that promise will come.

God is not a man, so He does not lie.
He is not human, so He does not change his mind.
Has He ever spoken and failed to act?
Has He ever promised and not carried it through? ~Numbers 23:19

While I let that message soak in and was wondering still what God was trying to tell me, I didn’t over think it. Later that night, I went to the women’s Bible study at church. I hadn’t planned on going. Honestly, I didn’t even really want to go that night but I needed to kill some time before meeting a friend for dinner. And what was the Bible study about? NUMBERS 23- the exact same story and verses as what I had heard that same morning! She said to us “I know this message is for someone here tonight. What God has promised you cannot be stopped. Do not be weary because of what the circumstances look like in the natural.” I should also say that I’ve not been going to this church very long. I don’t know anyone in that Bible study and no one there knows the circumstances I’m dealing with. God never ceases to amaze me. I sat there shaking from head to toe, knowing that this was confirmation of what God had told me earlier in the day.

But my reaction wasn’t what I expected it to be. What if I don’t even WANT that promise anymore? And in my car as I left the church, I got really honest with God about it. There was a large part of me that was very frustrated… furious even. I don’t know that I was mad at God, but maybe some. Then I was mad at myself for feeling the way that I do. Angry because I’ve grown very weary. I don’t WANT to stand and wait and be still and hold fast anymore. I’ve been doing that for a long time and all I get from it is more and more hurt. And I feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m not sure I even WANT this “promise” anymore.

So I feel like I’m getting myself into a dangerous place. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m not reading my Bible and praying as much. I think its because I’m afraid of what God is going to tell me to do. I don’t want more of the same. I don’t want Him to tell me to “Be still” or “holdfast” anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to grow cold on God and allow my relationship with Him to slip. I feel stuck. I’m wrestling against my own will, and now against what I’ve been standing for and praying for all this time. And praying that God will change my mind and my heart one way or another.

Ironically (or maybe not so much) this was the daily devotional staring me in the face when I opened up my email this morning. Well played, God. Well played.

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Current Mood: inspired

I can’t believe its been over a year since I’ve even touched things over here. I’ve been inspired to dust the cobwebs off and start again though.

That seems to be the theme of my life lately. So much has changed with me over the last year. Bar hopping and high heeled shoes once ruled my life. Don’t get me wrong; I still love some pretty shoes and wear them every chance I get and I still have a glass … er..bottle of wine from time to time. But what a difference a year makes.

I’ve spent the better part of this year playing the role of “wife to be” and mommy; roles that I accepted with both enthusiasm and sheer terror. My strength drawn only from God and His renewed grace and mercy every day. Much to my surprise, that life was suddenly plucked from my grasp and I was left wondering how to even begin again.

So here I am… starting from scratch but excited about what God is going to do in my life and what my future holds.

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